but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
