I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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