you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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