I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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