My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
