Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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