I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
