my phone needs a breathalizer
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
