grandma shit on top of the toilet
You smell like a Billy Joel song
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
