Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
