it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
