when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I can't trust your balls anymore.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
