Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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