I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
