a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
