tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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