The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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