Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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