then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
