they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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