well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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