rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
