I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
