Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
