I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
