clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
