no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He felt like a one man threesome
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
