I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
