he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
