All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
