did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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