guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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