im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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