I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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