I hate your face
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
