I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
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Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
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Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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