somebody snuck up and got me drunk
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
that is very illegal...i love you.
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