Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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