The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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