I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
