: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
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