whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
