when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
