I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
