bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
