saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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