I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I feel like a drive thru vagina
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
