I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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