he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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