yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
