Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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