I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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