i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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