i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
