I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
