I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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